Jealousy is so ugly....

And I am the culprit. First of all yes I know I need to post something good and some pics! I will I promise. And one good thing is I get to scrapbook this weekend!!!

Anyways.... jealous... I am so jealous of some people it hurts. I know everyone is sick of hearing about E, and I don't even know what my issue is... call it a crush, call it friends whatever but all I know is I care very deeply for him and I long to be his friend. I long to be the person that he turns to when he needs someone to talk to. For a long time I was that person when him and his ex broke up and she was pulling all sorts of stunts I was that person. I was there for him supported him, listened. He still does confide in me I am not sure of what he tells me that he may not tell others but he does confide in me and I so in him. He does care, and he does show that and I think that is what makes it so hard, is exactly that. There are times where I feel he feels teh same as I do. Even P says that he thinks he really does care etc and is either in denial or not willing to always show it. I honestly think he is embarassed to admit to others especially people in the firehouse that we are so close. What I am jealous of is the fact that he is getting close again with his ex. They are not back together all though at the rate they are going they might as well be. He spends so much time with her etc. Yes I know they have history together. Yes I know I am married she is not which means he can get some if he wants. yes I know I have a kid and he is young and doesn't want to deal with kids but still. Sometimes I feel like it is torture to get him to hang out with me. He will have opportunities and won't. Yet I feel like any chance he gets he is with her. The other day he called her his best friend, that was like a knife in my heart and I was devestated! Not that he can't have 2 best friends but I just don't think it is the same. I think he doesn't mind showing her off b/c well all the guys think she is hot and why the hell not. IDK. I think that if he treated me the same all the time.... I wouldn't feel this way. I mean he does shit like stop by the deli not to eat but to come visit. P says he watches me and gives me looks, we do the whole private convo look glance thing when we are in a group setting. There is definately a connection I just wish it was more out there, I wish he would spend that time with me. I know I am selfish etc. ARGH

Then on top of that I know it is going to happen eventually but P is going to find another girlfriend and it is going to rip my heart out. B/c right now he spends so much time with me. He keeps me company he is there for me. But I know that once another girl comes into the picture that will slowly dissapear. I can't expect it not to, but he is such a caring and devoted person that he will want to devote all the time he puts into me into a new girl. He denies that will happen. He says it will be less but his feelings for me will never change and we will spend time together. But t will just never be the same. And reality hit last night when he started chatting with this girl last night. I just lost it. With all the other stresses I have all I need is to lose my best friends. B/c right now I truly feel like I am losing both of them and they both mean so much to me.

I don't know why they mean so much I don't know why I need their friendships so much I just do. I feel better when I am with either one of them when I am chatting with them. Yes yes Kevin does to, but he is in totally different class. No one can ever come near how I feel about Kevin that is an untouchable expectation. But Kev isn't around all the time, Kev is sometimes why I need a friend to talk to.

I just wish I can be happy with what I got! But for some reason and I don't know why, I just don't quite feel complete.